An easier softer God

Lately things seem to be a bit sideways. A culmination of everything at once x scary shit + touchy situations is effecting those most meaningful to me these days. The good thing I suppose is that there is a resurgence of faith.
I consider my self in a fairly good spot although I may not subscribe to any 1 major group or belief system.
Call me non committal but what I have chosen to do is find,establish,and cultivate a relationship with a Power greater than myself and expressly of my understanding. Now that may appear to be an easier softer God to many but for now it’s about all my puny human brain can comprehend.
Besides, it allows me the latitude to unsubscribe to guilt and vengeance. I already have a vengeful ex-wife who attempts to master my world and I know how I feel about her,so belief in a vengeful God is definitely out.
I mean come now please..
I don’t buy into all that wrath business. Well maybe some of it,but it’s more of the Universal Justice type stuff.
If I held my God responsible for the actions of man,who would really be to blame any how?
When I was a young man,I was ordained by the laying on of hands, but when the time came for me to hit the ground running I went straight off the porch and directly into a steamy gooey puddle of humanity. That was a choice I made.
Years later I worked the Lakota Prayer Pipe,but I still made the choices I did,more content to wallow in my own doing.
It’s only in the last few years I’ve been able to let a lot of that go,I’m no saint but life has a richer meaning and I didn’t gain that alone.
To quote an anonymous friend,” God doesn’t go where He isn’t invited. And He will not stay where He isn’t wanted”.
My blame lies in me,therefore it is up to me to want to live a better life. But I don’t have to do it alone, either on a temporal or spiritual level.
I don’t need to pound a book to get there,but if that’s what I have to do to stay on course to be a better Dad,Husband,person.. Bring it.
As Thomas Merton says,” I believe that wanting to please You(willingness), in turn pleases You.”
If I can hold myself to this one day at time,or just the moments in between,so be it…
I love you Rosey, be well in your heart and true to your soul. I’m here for you.


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