The dreaded hamster wheel


Oh the fanfare and glitter of the last 2 days was well worth the time and tears of writing the last few months.
As it was happening I couldn’t fathom the whole,”why me”-edness,of it.
Then due to a regiment of honesty,that I can at least maintain internally,if somewhat lax in outwardly, I had to admit it had little to do with me.
I started writing writing again because I had no where else to turn. I write because it’s the only way for me to not feel so minute,so helpless,and,at times unworthy.
Writing helps me believe that I’m not doing nothing.
I’m not disconnected from my kids. I’m not holding on to resentments. I’m not in fear of the new onslaught of court proceedings that will begin anew on the 21st. It helps me believe that what I’m doing by my kids is right. That not giving in to the “powers that be” and not ” throwing in towel” is the exact opposite of what I’m expected to do. When the voices start to chatter in my head,as the hamster wheel squeaks round and round all I can hear is..” See? We knew he’d cave,he wasn’t serious about custody,what’s a dad know about kids? It’s the mother’s job anyway,he should be grateful to have even gotten this far… Selfish bastard cracked his damn skull reaching for the brass ring. Saw that one coming a mile away… Shoulda quit while he was ahead,dumbass..”
“What’d he think that silly blog was going to accomplish? Doesn’t he know nobody reads that shit?”.. Ya,it’s a really big hamster wheel,lol.
Truth be told? I have no idea what’s about to happen. I have no control over the proceedings,or over the wishes of others. I have no control over the lengths others will go to in their continued attempts at restricting my parenting,how much tighter the noose will get as I continue our struggle,or even what effect my writing will have if any…
But,if I did.. If I had control over those things. If I could control these people to get everything I demanded,everything I deserved,what then? Would I manipulate? Would I disavow my kid’s mom out of the same malice,like some kind of twisted retribution?
I surely can’t say,the hamster wheel’s squeaking again,round and round and round.
Is there a jumping off point? Is this the point of no return?
… Ha! We’re way past that. Screw you hamster wheel! Go on make all the racket you want!
I’m Mykidsdad,and there is no greater feat I’ll ever need accomish!
I love you Rees kids!

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