Selfish


I’m not sure when I became a man. Sometimes I think I’ve yet to reach that status.
I know it’s more than being grown. It’s more than just having kids.
It seems to me there are a multitude of levels.
In the past it was big shot-ism,fighting,drinking,and such.
But the consequences I faced didn’t feel manly. At times I thought it was pain and despair that separated the men from from the boys,but found that wasn’t so.
Manhood can be gauged by age.you can never be a boy again.
But that’s not really my definition of being a man.
I think today,it has more to do with manageability,meeting obligations,sticktoitivness,putting people before myself.
I wish it weren’t most days. I used to spend unretrievable hours hiding from life. Taking little if any responsibility for my actions. Telling myself it wasn’t my fault my life was such a mess. Or I could fix “it” myself.. But that could wait for another day,maybe tomorrow.
That I had time to change. And even,wondering why I should change. After all,wouldn’t it be better if everyone else on the planet saw things my way?
Marriage wasn’t the answer either,especially not the first one. But then,when you don’t know what you really want out of life or what a gift life is how can you benefit others?
Life itself was drudgery,a one way ticket to the bitter end.
I always wanted to be a Dad. Not a husband per say and when I became a Father I realized I had yet to feel like a man. Selfishness was still my primary objective. Fear was my motivator. Those words don’t fit into a loving relationship.
I was mired in self loathing and regret.
That certainly can’t be the mark of a man.
It wasn’t until I was faced with challenges I could no longer hide from that began my transition. The fear was too great,the odds were insurmountable. I needed help! I wasn’t alone and I couldn’t do it alone. My kids needed a Dad. They needed me. I needed me.
I wasn’t who I wanted to be,I didn’t even know who I was.
It wasn’t a change of my choosing but it was the change I needed,the help I asked for from the universe came slamming down on me in the form of red&blue flashing lights.
And thank God it did.
It was the instantaneous knowledge that I didn’t have to live the way I was and the Calvary had arrived.
Trumpets blaring and fingers crossed I entered the first real stage of being a man.
I got sober.

Advertisements

One thought on “Selfish

Comments are closed.