Today marks my kids 3rd vacation for the summer.
I may or may not get a 4hr visit. I may or may not be able to pick up extra hours at work. I may or may not manage to find my feet in the morning.
It’s been very difficult the last 4 1/2 years. Dealing w/ the inconsistencies that are presented to us as a family.
But considering my daughter was 2 and my son was 6months old when she filed the days have been getting brighter,the joy more frequent.
Having the right to call the school for information,even being able to attend school functions is a blessing.
Even though I’m very diligent in not making promises I can’t keep to them,I still find that I make them to myself..
I promise to be more thorough,I promise not to let their moms BS effect me when we’re together,I promise I won’t be surprised the next time she gets shitty,I’ve even promised to pray for her.
If only I could prevent myself from doing that,I have expectations of things I can’t control. I have an expectation that people will come to understand I’m just a guy wanting to show the world I’m a good Dad. My kids already Know it,my friends and family already know it,but the marginalization of Dads like me continues.
From songs to tv shows even movies,Dads get the short end. We’re portrayed as hapless or desperate,self seeking and distant. Abusive or stupid,why?
We have to choose our words so carefully in society today in fear of offending someone or something. Hate speech,profiling,negativity in general.
But Single Dads get no validation,it’s always something wrong w/us. We must have been the aggressors and not the victims. We must not have loved our wives or kids enough.. That’s simply not true. At least not always.
There are a great many of us who had to leave,had to start over,had to change our lives in order to be better people.
How do I benefit my kids if I let myself continue to be abused? How do I teach my children happiness if I’m miserable.
If I can’t look forward to the future with optimism how do I show my kids they shouldn’t live in the past with regret?
No,she may have made my choice for me to leave,but I made my choice to live,to change and to fight for the right to be my kids Dad.
I now believe that all things are possible. I now try not to take my life and the love of my kids for granted. I have a desire to be a better man,father,and husband. When for years I never thought I’d have the willingness to try.
I love my life and the people in it,I don’t have to like my situation but I no longer have to through my hands up in despair.
I must be worth something if my kids love me,my family believes in me and my friends can respect me.
Because that means I have those things inside of me to give back.
Worth,love,friendship,respect,maybe 1 day I’ll even have forgiveness.
I can’t give these things to my kids but through action I may be able to bestow these things upon them.
Maybe the world can’t see the lies and deceit,maybe it doesn’t care to admit fault,maybe things will never change for Dads like me. I hope not anyway..
And that’s something worth fighting for..